Today while flipping through some paperwork I saw an advertisement for the “18 hour bra”. To be honest, I hadn’t thought of that phrase in a month of Sundays and I didn’t know they still made the darn thing. Not that I spend a lot of time worrying about such matters. My head has been full for the last decade with more important things like newspaper headlines, raising a family and wondering why the President would give the queen an iPod. Underwear marketing has been pretty far down on my list of things to care about.
However, reading the description for the 18 hour bra rattled my cage a bit. Let me share with you, so I won’t rattle alone:
“Ladies, why compromise? With 18 Hour bras, you've got it all - a comfortable, all-day supportive fit that looks just beautiful. Add lovely, feminine detailing like embroidery and lace. And, of course, lots of comfort extras such as wide, stay-put straps and cooling, breathable fabrics. It's fit, comfort and beauty that make the most of wonderful you.”
They make it sound lovely, don’t they? But, for the first time I started to think about that and the mathematics of it all bugged me. If I’m in that contraption for 18 hours – what does that give me, less than 5 hours to sleep?! [Subtracting the time it takes to get dressed in the morning and washed up and ready for bed at night.] So, I’m supposed to run around from the crack of dawn until midnight or so, doing chores, errands, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan – all the while looking sexy and marvelous on less than 5 hours of fitful sleep? Come on, people! Why isn’t anybody on Madison Avenue jumping on a soapbox to sing the praises of the 18 hour jock strap? Where’s all the buzz for THAT underwear workhorse?
You can engineer all the stay-put breathable feminine detailing in the world you want into under garments for the women of the world, but unless you’re stitching some high-octane caffeine into that baby, I can’t imagine how comfortable or wonderful we’re going to continue to be if you keep us on that 18 hour schedule.
Maybe, since times have changed and so many people in the workaday world spend the bulk of their time in front of a computer, it’s time for the 18 hour bikini/boxer/briefs! That could be Victoria's greatest secret yet. Picture this: supportive fit that ends fanny fatique and combats cellulite! The economy maybe down, but I'd sure find the funds to finance that fabulous fashion statement.